There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
