We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
