I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
