1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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