It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
