you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize