Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
