i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
