Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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