How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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