So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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