I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
