my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
