guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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