OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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