i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
