my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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