at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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