Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
