I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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