it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
