I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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