i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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