I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
