You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
