I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize