I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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