you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
