he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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