As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
