Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
