i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
