When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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