Your mouth is God's brothel.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
