I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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