Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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