I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
