I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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