she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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