how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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