btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
