So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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