For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
