Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
