Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
