1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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