i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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