Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
