I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize