did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize