Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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