woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
