New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize