I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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