Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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