I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize