You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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